Discipline is not just about correcting behavior, but about shaping the heart. When our child consistently refuses discipline or finds ways to circumvent it, we must approach the situation with wisdom, perseverance, and a firm grounding in biblical truth. As parents, our role is to consistently and lovingly point them towards Christ as we discipline and disciple them.
First, pray for your child and realize that God is the one who can change their heart. Ask for wisdom and guidance as you discipline your child. James 1:5 encourages us, “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.”
Make sure consequences are actually undesirable for the child, based on what the child values. For example, don’t send a child who loves reading alone in their room to their room as a consequence – instead, a better consequence would be taking away their access to books for the day. This should never be done to “get even”; it is focused on the good of the child. Appropriate consequences help the child understand that there are negative results for poor behavior, and encourage them to choose what is right.
On the flip side, help motivate your child by giving them the opportunity to earn things they truly value. Allow them to earn something they want when they show signs that they are improving. Make sure to establish what the child can earn in advance and avoid bribing them: earning the privilege should simply be based on whether or not they did the right thing.
Your child may act like they don’t care about consequences and tell you they don’t care about consequences, even when they do. Rather than immediately assuming a particular consequence doesn’t work, realize it may take consistency over time for the child to begin learning to do the right thing and for the impact of the consequence to sink in.
If your child gets around discipline, you may need to keep them with you and provide more close supervision. It is a hassle at the moment, but will help ensure the consequence is effective and help your child learn faster in the long run. For example, instead of telling your older child to go sit in time out in their room (and having them run outside to play as soon as you aren’t looking), let them know that they are going to need to do chores with you for an hour.
Look beyond the surface-level disobedience to the underlying heart issues. Help your child understand why their actions are wrong from a biblical perspective. If a child is trying to meet an unmet need through acting out (such as having their parent’s attention or gaining more control), avoid using discipline that exacerbates the issue, and give them what they need after discipline has been administered. For example, if a child is trying to get more of his parent’s attention, you might sit with them during a time out, and after the time-out is over have a conversation with them about their day.
Avoid overwhelming your child with consequences: instead, keep consequences on a daily basis, rather than weekly. If your child knows they won’t get access to their xbox for the next week, they may not care about their behavior today.
Have separate consequences for each behavior, to avoid confusion and to create a clear link between the behavior and the consequence. Avoid making up consequences on the spot, instead discuss consequences and rewards for behavior with your child ahead of time so that they know what to expect from their actions.
Remember, true heart change comes only through the work of the Holy Spirit. Through consistent, loving, Gospel-centered discipline, we can guide our children towards a right relationship with God and others, trusting that He is at work even when we can’t see immediate results.
Chew On This:
What is your ultimate goal as you discipline and disciple your child?
