Disclaimer: The intention of this article is not to encourage the reader to diagnose their child or anyone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). NPD should be diagnosed by a qualified therapist. Unless the child is also suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder the diagnosis of NPD is not made before the age of 18.
The intention of this article is to help parents be proactive in addressing their children’s behavioral issues that seem highly self centered. If you suspect your child is struggling with abnormally selfish tendencies, we strongly encourage you to find a therapist who specializes in working with children as quickly as possible so you and your child can get help and support.
In a previous post, we examined what excessively selfish tendencies may look like in a child. In this post, we are going to look at ideas for how to effectively come alongside your child if he or she struggles with selfishness.
Engage with Control
Although dealing with a child’s excessive self-centeredness can be infuriating, expressing your intense emotions to your child may reinforce in your child’s mind that you are the problem or detract from what you are trying to say. Instead of exploding in anger, seek to engage your child in a controlled way that matches what they most need in the moment. It may be helpful to have a trusted third person present, such as a trained therapist, who can guide that process since it is not a one-size-fits-all approach.
Give Your Child Relational Tools
Realize that relational skills may be like a foreign language to your child. Don’t expect them to know how to deal with or express all their emotions or problems. Realize that even in their selfishness, they still likely crave relationships with others but do things that push people away. Someone who is excessively self centered likely has a deep fear of failure and will blame others to get out of it. You will probably need to clearly and directly give them tools for basic relational skills. For example, if your child ignored a friend who fell down and scraped their knee, you could say something like:
“When another child falls down, one thing you can do is ask them, ‘Are you ok?’ or ‘Do you need me to get your mom?’ You can also pray for them, that God would help them to feel better, or say, ‘Wow, that looks like it really hurt, that’s a bummer!’”
Establish Boundaries
Set firm boundaries with your child, and be consistent with consequences, even if your child pushes back. When someone is excessively self absorbed, they often create a “fantasy world” with them at the center and expect other people to buy into it. To avoid this, keep the focus on reality as you uphold boundaries, rather than their imaginary world, and simply restate the boundaries. Don’t get drawn into arguments or defend your position. You can say, “The boundaries are X. If something isn’t clear, please ask me to help you understand.”
Affirm Good Character
Look for and affirm good character qualities in your child instead of praising their accomplishments, since praising accomplishments can feed their sense of being better than everyone else. Keep praise specific. For example, instead of saying, “Great job getting an A+ on your history homework” you could say, “I noticed that you’ve been very diligent with your studies the past couple of weeks.”
Focus on God
Regularly discuss God’s sovereignty and man’s dependence on Him with your child. Explain why selfish behaviors are wrong and why repentance is important (consider reading verses like Philippians 2:3-4 and 1 John 1:9 and discussing what they mean). Share with them how kind God is in that He wants us to confess when we are selfish or commit any sin, and we can beg Him for the gift of repentance as we fight to repent. Help your child understand that life is not about them but about glorifying God, and that God is our ultimate security and satisfaction.
Above all, pray fervently for your child. Ask God to soften their heart and open their eyes to His truth. Remember, true transformation comes through the work of the Holy Spirit, not our own efforts.
Chew On This:
What is the purpose of establishing and maintaining boundaries with your child?
