Disclaimer: The intention of this article is to help parents differentiate between normal sibling rivalry and abusive sibling behavior. If you suspect sibling abuse in your family, we strongly encourage you to find a therapist who specializes in working with children as quickly as possible so you and your child can get help and support.
Sibling relationships are often complex, filled with both love and conflict. While some level of rivalry between siblings is normal and can even be beneficial for child development, it’s crucial for parents to recognize when typical sibling interactions cross the line into abusive behavior.
Healthy sibling rivalry usually involves temporary feelings of jealousy and resentment, minor conflicts that resolve relatively quickly, and competition for parental attention or time. Times of sibling rivalry are opportune times to teach your children how to problem solve and how to love others in the same way we have been loved by Christ. These interactions also help children develop important social skills like negotiation, compromise, and conflict resolution.
Sibling cruelty is different from healthy sibling rivalry. In sibling cruelty, there is imminent danger of physical or emotional harm to one or both siblings. Often abuse is chronic and intense, but a serious one-time event may also be abuse. It is characterized by:
- Persistent patterns of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse
- Serious threats of harm or blackmail, intentional destruction of cherished items
- Behavior intended to harm, humiliate, or defeat the other sibling
- Significant power imbalance between siblings
- Long-lasting negative impacts to the victimized child’s well-being
- Physical violence past the toddler stage of development
Parents should be concerned if they observe:
- One child consistently bullying, intimidating, or physically harming another
- Extreme fear or anxiety in one sibling when around the other
- One sibling deferring unreasonably to another
- Deliberate destruction of the victim’s belongings
- Children displaying sexual behavior that is not age-appropriate or that is learned
- One child experiencing depression, school problems, or self-harm as a result of sibling interactions
If you suspect sibling abuse in your family:
- Intervene immediately to ensure the safety of all children involved and create a safety plan to protect all children involved from harm.
- Maintain constant supervision whenever the siblings in the situation are together.
- Seek professional help from a therapist who specializes in working with children. In the case of sexual abuse, look for a therapist who works in COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse)
- Talk to siblings together and separately, encourage them to share what happened with you, be supportive and actively listen to them.
- Establish clear rules and consequences for harmful behavior.
Although it can be difficult to report sibling abuse, it is important to get professional help to protect your children and prevent further abuse, as well as helping them heal and grow. If you need immediate assistance in addition to therapy, contact Child Protective Services or your local state department of children and families. It is also a good idea to reach out to your pastor or leadership in your local church, letting them know what is going on, and asking them to help you.
Remember, early intervention is crucial. By addressing sibling cruelty promptly and thoroughly, parents can help foster healthier relationships and prevent long-term damage.
Chew On This: What is one step you can take to protect your children from inappropriate or abusive behavior at home?
