Remember Song of Solomon? it seems like the husband and wife depicted had a lot of fun together. They expressed so many forms of oneness: emotional, relational, spiritual, and obviously physical.
Where has that gone in your marriage? Was it ever really there? Working with couples for two decades, I’ve seen how easy it is for couples to get caught up in the tasks of life and drop their emotional and spiritual connection to each other. Before long, even sex becomes a rarer part of their marriage. How can you get a vibrant sex life that expresses the oneness Scripture shares we should have?
It usually starts by clearing what is in the middle of the marriage. Are there things that have not been forgiven? Are we viewing the marriage more in terms of what we are getting rather than what we are giving? Do we invest and sacrifice for one another in small meaningful ways? We will discuss all three of those topics in future blogs, but know that clearing whatever is in the middle of the marriage, changing our mindset to one of a giver and not a complainer, investing, and sacrificing for one another really help set the stage.
While that is happening, let’s get super practical.
First, determine how much the two of you want to have sex. What would be realistic and desirable? Now lower the number to something very doable. So let’s say you said you wanted to have sex 2-3 times per week. Lower the number to once per week.
Next, choose a day that you are NOT normally spending a ton of time together as the day you have sex. Commit absolutely to having sex on that day. If you need help, make the commitment visual by putting it on a calendar. Try not to let anything get in the way. Having sex when you’re busy helps you get dive back into intimacy; performance anxiety and awkwardness are often lower.
Some couples have to choose a time where they know there won’t be distractions. As challenging as that can be, if you have young children, many couples choose a time late at night or early in the morning while the kids are still sleeping.
Let the days when you do spend much more time together be times for spontaneous sex. Enjoy, get playful, relearn each others’ bodies, and move closer to what’s at the heart of Song of Solomon: a married couple who is deeply devoted to each other and playfully enjoys one another.
Increase the emotional connection 24 hours before the chosen day. Feed each others’ love language, reminisce about a great time in your marriage, or send each other quick texts that show you are thinking of them. Have a great conversation about a dream, an aspiration, and/or what’s going on at a deeper level. Settle differences quickly.
Once you get in a rhythm with this system, you won’t need to track what day you’ve committed to having sex.
Chew On This:
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What day of the week are you and your spouse likely to spend less time together?
1st Principle Leadership’s mission is to equip, empower, and encourage business leaders to be convinced that Christ loves them with He has and is, so that they return His love with all they are and have. In so doing, every area of their lives including their businesses will be in congruence with Christ.
*This blog is an amalgamation of a few different clients. No client is being singled out.
