1st Principle Group
“We are all treading around, stumbling on each other’s toes as we are learning to love.” Sue Johnson To the injuring* partner, (*I use the word injuring to imply one who is or has inflicted pain on another, whether through infidelity, neglect, blame and criticism, or another form of relational hurt.) You need a safe…
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“Everyone says that forgiveness is a lovely idea, until they have something to forgive.” C.S. Lewis To those who have felt betrayed by your spouse, specifically through an affair: You could be anywhere on this journey of betrayal. Maybe the waves of shock have passed, leaving remnants of confusion and pain. Maybe numbness has set…
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For the past several months, I have been writing about the delicate balance between accountability, shame, and transformation. We have struggled to make sense of why our actions don’t change after inviting people in…seeking honest repentance…and beating ourselves up when we fail. We want to feel bad enough so our behaviors change, but in the…
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“Nothing ever becomes real ’til it is experienced.” -John Keats Last spring, a friend and I went backpacking in North Carolina for several nights. We hiked a trail both of us were familiar with but decided to summit a small peak neither of us had done before off on a side trail. If you’ve been…
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“Scars have the strange power to remind us that our past is real.” – Cormac McCarthy If you’re new to this series, I’ve been exploring a “theology of emotions.” I’m going to conclude the series this month by looking at how to do all of this in a way that glorifies God while also helps…
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“No feeling is final.” -Rainer Maria Rilke If you know me well, you know how much I love the band U2. If you want to hear me nerd-out to anything, U2 is probably where I get my “nerdiest.” When I was in 5th grade, I heard one of their songs on my sister’s mix tape…
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“What you resist not only persists, but will grow in size.” -C.G. Jung- Last month I began to explore why we have emotions by looking at how Jesus used his emotions as a gauge. Jesus used them as a gauge for how close he was to the Father – anger/sadness at the brokenness of the…
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“Thoughts are the shadows of our feelings – always darker, emptier and simpler.”-Friedrich Nietzsche- Google “scripture” and “emotions” and notice what shows up: What does the Bible say about controlling emotions? 10 verses on controlling emotions How to get rid of bad emotions How to not be controlled by your emotions What’s the theme here?…
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“Strange how complicated we can make things just to avoid showing what we feel!” -Erich Maria Remarque- “…but I shouldn’t feel this way.” I have heard it, and even said it myself, very often. There is some emotion inside of me that lurks, feeling uncontrolled, like I can’t get rid of it…can’t make sense of it…so…
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“There is a great deal of pain in life and perhaps the only pain that can be avoided is the pain that comes from trying to avoid pain.” -R.D. Laing “Where do I start?” Almost every person that sits across from me has trouble knowing how to tell me their story…how they got to be sitting in a…
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I want to wish you a merry Christmas and Happy New Year from 1st Principle Group! As I reflect on this year I am thankful for the ways you have allowed me to challenge you each week. The responses I receive from you are always encouraging and often challenging to me as well! As we…
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When we turned the corner and entered the grounds of the church, I immediately froze. My wife and I were on vacation, exploring a foreign city, excited to visit the grounds of a church that was over 1,000 years old. What caused me to freeze was not some gorgeous stained glass window, or the sheer…
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As I reflect on this previous year, I am struck by a constant theme I saw in a lot of the work I did with clients. When people have experienced years of abuse, unhealthy relationships, darkness, and relentless anxiety…they tend to make sense of it all by reducing it to small, bite-size statements of fact…
Read MoreOver the Thanksgiving holiday, my wife and I traveled on several flights and as many of you know, this provides sufficient time for reflection, rest…and people watching. More often than not, I get really excited about flying. I understand why people don’t like it, but I’m pretty content to sit and read or watch movies…
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“To be grateful is to recognize the Love of God in everything He has given us – and He has given us everything. Every breath we draw is a gift of His love, every moment of existence is a grace, for it brings with it immense graces from Him. Gratitude therefore takes nothing for granted,…
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“…the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit…” Isaiah 61:3 I have been camped out in Isaiah for the past few months working on a paper specifically looking at chapter 61. It has been a good exercise diving deeper into what was happening at the time of this prophecy and how the people hearing…
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We’ve been on this sex and singleness journey for a little over a month now and we’ve got just three weeks left. I hope that you feel the freedom to ask questions, offer thoughts/dialogue, and begin discussions within your own realms. And if you find that you leave with more questions than answers, I’m so glad.…
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Compiled below are links to the second series of our Gospel-Centered Sexuality newsletter, Sex and Singleness. Click here to join us and sign up for our weekly newsletter offering Gospel-centered sexual education to empower, equip, and support you.
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Last week, we explored reasons why our sexual desires exist in the first place. They are good, created by a good God, to draw us deeper into relational intimacy with himself and with others. By understanding why these desires exist, we gain a greater framework for understanding how to navigate them. One of my primary purposes…
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This post may disappoint you. Because I think in a topic like masturbation, we are often looking for one of two things: assurance that it’s okay (that essentially we’re okay and normal) or clear Biblical passages on why it’s not okay. What you’ll find instead is my perspective, which is one of many other perspectives on the topic of…
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This week, I got the chance to hear from Ryan on the impact of pornography use on our well-being. Ryan has years of experience working in pornography addiction recovery and has walked with many clients towards freedom and healing in this area. I’m thankful to have gained his expertise on this sensitive topic. It’s no secret that…
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We’ve got an issue here. And it’s not that sexual desires exist. If you are a human being, you have innate sexual desires. And I want to first normalize them for you. They are God-given and natural; they are not shameful. God created sexual desires and anything God created is good. However, Satan has warped this good gift…
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“We all of us need to be toppled off the throne of self… Perched up there the tears of others are never upon our own cheek.” -Elizabeth Goudge This past Sunday as I was listening to the sermon I had a thought that humbled me in a lot of ways. The pastor was talking about what…
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“When I pronounce the word Silence,I destroy it.” -Wisława Szymborska I write a lot about vulnerability because we (I) struggle so much with not only figuring out how to do it, but how to do it consistently and authentically. During a therapy group this week I witnessed a man processing the loss of a relationship…
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“Few delights can equal the mere presence of one whom we trust utterly.”-George MacDonald I like being right. There’s a pride in it…it feels good…but I also like being right when I help people. I like when I correctly diagnose a problem, offer the right solution and watch someone get better because of it (I…
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Compiled below are links to the first series of our Gospel-Centered Sexuality newsletter, Our Theology of Sex. Click here to join us and sign up for our weekly newsletter offering Gospel-centered sexual education to empower, equip, and support you.
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I’m a single Christian talking about sex. And up until this past year, I thought this was wrong. I believed the lie that sex as a topic made sense for only married Christians to explore and understand. As a single, I had little place in this dialogue. The topic didn’t make me uncomfortable or nervous. I…
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Sex and worship are not often used in the same sentence in the Christian realm. We are told not to worship sex, of course. Our limited minds have a way of taking what is meant to bring worship to the Creator and instead, we settle for worshiping the creation itself. As C. S. Lewis says,…
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This question has put me on a path of exploration and depth as I dive into the Bible. If you’re like me, you didn’t grow up wondering what the purpose of sex’s existence was. I just accepted that it existed and moved on. But, here I found myself, one year into graduate school and 23…
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“To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any…
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“We must learn to regard people less in the light of whatdo or omit to do, and more in the light of what they suffer.” -Dietrich Bonhoeffer Last week, I had the opportunity to speak to a small group of professionals about vulnerability. I was one of 10 speakers and each one took a different angle…
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I had the chance to hear Dr. Curt Thompson speak this past week about his new book The Soul of Shame. In his second book [the first being The Anatomy of the Soul, also recommended], Dr. Thompson dives into the biological, psychological, and social roots of shame. It is something we all experience, and as I read this…
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“But feelings can’t be ignored, no matter how unjust or ungrateful they seem.” -Anne Frank “And just like that, I snapped…out of nowhere…I was so angry.” I would not consider myself a very angry person, but there have been times when it comes out and surprises me. The “out of nowhere” sentiment is meaningful to…
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“Is it really possible to tell someone else what one feels?” -Leo Tolstoy This week, a friend relayed to me some frustrations about being vulnerable. After sharing her thoughts and feelings authentically, she was caught off guard by the somewhat negative reaction of her peers. This is the funny thing about vulnerability: it doesn’t always…
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“If you do not tell the truth about yourself, you cannot tell it about other people.” -Virginia Woolf “What are you hiding?” A friend said he was asked this question recently and we began discussing its merits. If you are like me, you probably read that with an accusatory tone in it. If I were to…
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“Our job is to love others without stopping to inquire whether or not they are worthy. That is not our business and, in fact, it is nobody’s business. What we are asked to do is to love, and this love itself will render both ourselves and our neighbors worthy.” -Thomas Merton I have several friends…
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“Just as the wave cannot exist for itself, but is ever a part of the heaving surface of the ocean, so must I never live my life for itself, but always in the experience which is going on around me.” -Albert Schweitzer My schedule has me running at a pretty frantic pace most weeks. I…
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“But the Hebrew word, the word timshel – ‘Thou mayest’ – that gives a choice. It may be the most important word in the world. That says the way is open. That throws it right back on a man. For if ‘Thou mayest’ – it is also true that ‘Thou mayest not.’ -John Steinbeck I was listening to a patient*…
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“Perfectionism is a self destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.”-Brené Brown I had a therapist colleague this week challenge me in a way I was not expecting. After leading a…
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By Ryan C. Bailey Jack and Jill have been married for years. Jack runs his own company and Jill keeps more than busy taking care of the house and shuttling the kids to all their church activities, sport trainings, music lessons, play dates, etc. They are both exhausted and are trying to keep their heads…
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I’m on vacation this week so this will be short… I like to read non-psychology related things when I have some time off. I came across this section in an essay by one of my favorite writers, Wendell Berry, about work that has really hit me hard this week: “Good human work honors God’s work.…
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“Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.” Søren Kierkegaard There’s a fantastic series on PBS called “This Emotional Life” that explores the nature of our emotions and how the brain reacts in all sorts of funny ways. When describing fear, this series talks about the function of our amygdala and its relationship with the prefrontal cortex.…
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We’ve been silent. We – as followers of Christ, as parents, as pastors and influential leaders – we’ve been silent on the topic of sex. We’ve been silent in teaching our children the purposes and beauty of sex. Silent in our personal sexual struggles. Silent in supporting singles in the Church as they navigate sexual desires.…
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“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.” -Carl Jung I taught a group this week on the various roles we play in our families. We primarily discussed these roles in a dysfunctional family and how they serve to protect the family “secret” that…
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“If you can’t explain it without an explanation, you can’t understand it with an explanation.” -Haruki Murakami I’ve always been interested in improv. It’s such a fascinating construct to put people together and have them work off the natural energy and flow of conversation to create something funny. There is something special to the way improv…
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“Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be, since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be.” -Thomas à Kempis I read this week how our need for control can be a response to anxiety. When anxiety floods our brains, our natural response system kicks in – do I fight?…
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This past couple of months, we’ve discussed some critical tools to begin the conversation about sex with your children. I hope that you’ve begun to feel more comfortable and empowered to explore this topic with your child. More than anything, I hope you feel less alone in the matter. However, I recognize that there is…
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This past couple of months, we’ve discussed some critical tools to begin the conversation about sex with your children. I hope that you’ve begun to feel more comfortable and empowered to explore this topic with your child. More than anything, I hope you feel less alone in the matter. However, I recognize that there is…
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I fear setting goals. Call it the Millennial part of me…I have some very vague and general goals for my life…but when it comes to making a plan and taking steps, I can freeze in indecision. Setting a goal means I have set up something I may not be able to meet. It is a…
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“In a room where people unanimously maintain a conspiracy of silence, one word of truth sounds like a pistol shot.” –Czesław Miłosz Have you ever watched a child respond to a question with something that feels only half true? You can see it in their face – the slight smile…the immediate shift of eye contact…
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If you are following this series, you know that we have been talking about sex for quite a while now. We are passionate about helping you navigate this fragile topic with your child. We’ve explored when to begin and continue teaching your children about sex. We’ve also talked about the importance of developing your own beliefs before you begin…
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“Pain in this life is not avoidable, but the pain we create avoiding pain is avoidable.” -R.D. Laing But I hate that I do it…I don’t want to do it anymore…Nothing in me wants it. It’s the one thing you can’t stop doing. That action you return to in times of stress, sadness, or frustration.…
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“Has it ever occurred to you that one hundred pianos all tuned to the same fork are automatically tuned to each other? They are of one accord by being tuned, not to each other, but to another standard to which each one must individually bow. So one hundred worshipers met together, each one looking away…
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In our last post, we discussed the crucial precedent to talking to our children about sex: develop our own belief on the subject. Now that we have a foundation, this week we will unpack when to actually begin having these conversations with our children. Is there an optimal time frame that considers our child’s emotional capacity while laying a foundation before…
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“The limits of my language means the limits of my world.” -Ludwig Wittgenstein “Have you said these things to her?” my friend asked me with some leading. I had just finished enthusiastically praising my wife to this friend, telling him how incredible she had been during the week, how much I appreciated her hard work and…
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“We must know before we can love. In order to know God, we must often think of Him; and when we come to love Him, we shall then also think of Him often, for our heart will be with our treasure.” -Brother Lawrence I am constantly reminded of how much of a gift my community…
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Before entering graduate school, I knew that the topic of sex was universally important. However, I failed to acknowledge its relevance in my life as a single Christian. My narrow thinking was shattered as I was asked to develop my personal theology of sex. I wrestled with where to begin in this seemingly complex, and…
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“Man is not what he thinks he is, he is what he hides.” -André Malraux I talk a lot about ‘being real.’ Part of this focus is because of how much I see individuals struggling to really tap into the parts of their hearts that they believe versus what they feel they should believe. In a conversation with…
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“It is dangerous to know, but it is more dangerous not to know.” -Rollo May Over the last week, I’ve been reading a very compelling book on addictions for a class I’m taking this summer. What has struck me about this book is a simple truth about how we live our lives and the choices we…
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Over the next couple of months, we will be doing a blog series on how to talk to your children about sex. At a young age, my mother opened up the dialogue with me, which allowed for ongoing discussions on various aspects of sexuality. It also provided a necessary platform for me to better understand God…
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Growing up in a house full of women, I have often been labeled as a ‘softy.’ I’ll be the first to admit that I do feel things deeply, but I really can work hard to hide the fact that the Dove soap commercial about Mother’s Day made me feel emotions… I am also highly analytical…
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“Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.” -Mark Twain Do you remember that first moment someone you thought so highly of did something awful? The shock of your idol/sibling/parent/best friend doing something you know in your heart to be wrong? For me, one of the earliest instances…
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How are you maximizing Google Calendar to keep you focused on your essential tasks? I work with many business leaders and their teams, and one of the things we work on together is how to use our time effectively. As leaders, we have many demands on our time. And many distractions. Sometimes, we give-in to…
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“We must learn to regard people less in the light of what they do or omit to do, and more in the light of what they suffer.” -Dietrich Bonhoeffer A few weeks ago, I had one of those moments in life that blatantly reminded me that the world is not black and white. As my…
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Every year, a few of the guys I went to college with take a backpacking trip. It’s a chance for us to stretch our legs, reminisce, and be reminded of how cushy our lives are now that we’re all working and raising families. I missed one of the trips early on when an incredible thing…
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One of the greatest footballers (soccer) to ever play the game is Zinedine Zidane, the French midfielder who played the sport as an artform. Late in his career, he described a very unique aspect of being a professional and playing in front of millions of people: noise. If you’ve ever been in a stadium, you…
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“Unbeing dead isn’t being alive.” E.E. Cummings While visiting Paris a few years ago, my wife and I ducked into a small cemetery on the outskirts of the city. Not a typical stop for tourists but we heard from locals that it was a beautiful place to take a walk and there were several prominent…
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Have you noticed the increased interest in liver health these days? There are so many liver detox plans/diets. And of course there are many views about these detox plans. One of the greatest issues surrounding liver health is fatty liver disease. What is fatty liver disease and who has it? Simply stated, fatty liver disease…
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“A ship is safe in the harbor, but that’s not what ships are for.” -William G.T. Shedd There is an element of risk involved in comedy. I learned from my dad at an early age that a well timed phrase, observation, or interpretation can lift people in a way that few things can. I learned…
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“Faith is the bird that feels the light and sings when the dawn is still dark.” -Rabindranath Tagore There is a great temptation to allow our lives to be dominated by fear. Fear of external things, outside of our control. Fear of our own beliefs and doubts. Fear of the unknown. We are told each…
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“Accepting the reality of our sinfulness means accepting our authentic self. Judas could not face his shadow; Peter could. The latter befriended the impostor within; the former raged against him.” -Brennan Manning Last week, I wrote about a newer repentance (newer to me…) Looking at repentance relationally gives us a deeper understanding of grace because…
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“If you are renewed by grace, and were to meet your old self, I am sure you would be very anxious to get out of his company.” -Charles Haddon Spurgeon “I’m sorry…I can see how I hurt you.” I say this often to my wife. And I really mean it when I do. When she tells…
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As I mentioned in my last blog, I had never planned on visiting a chiropractor. In fact, I had only heard negative things about chiropractic care. As a child, I remember hearing a doctor tell my mother that she was never, in any circumstance, to allow a chiropractor to touch her back. It scared me. …
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“True humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less.” -C.S. Lewis When thinking about our relationships we’re often taught to watch out for the company we keep. There are various proverbs that remind us that our relationships with others will influence us and have the power to bring us down. It’s outward…
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“Thus I spoke, more and more softly; for I was afraid of my own thoughts and the thoughts behind my thoughts.” -Friedrich Nietzsche “Are you always analyzing us now?” By the above statement, you can probably guess how excited people get when a future therapist shows up at a party. I often get asked if I’m…
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“We are all apprentices in a craft where no one ever becomes a master.” -Ernest Hemingway “Hey, thanks for the talk, that was really helpful.” How many times a week do you hear this from your friends? A lot? Not so often? I realized this week when a close friend said something similar that it’s not…
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“When we submit our lives to what we read in scripture, we find that we are not being led to see God in our stories but our stories in God’s. God is the larger context and plot in which our stories find themselves.” -Eugene Peterson I am an extrovert through and through. I love people,…
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“The church is a hospital for sinners, not a museum for saints.” -Tim Keller This week a friend read a devotional in class using the story of the paralytic who was brought to Jesus through a hole in the roof by his friends. It’s a story that’s familiar to all of us and we typically derive…
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“I do not ask the wounded person how he feels, I myself become the wounded person.” -Walt Whitman This is going to be basic. It will be a review for many of you. But for some reason, my hard heart continues to sludge through the quicksand and act as if it has never heard this…
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“It’s easier to bleed than sweat.” -Flannery O’Connor I read a great article this week about the lottery and how this record breaking amount brings out all sorts of things in people…One thing the article mentioned was how you wouldn’t want to be that guy in your office that opted out of the group pool only to seem…
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“Forgiveness is the name of love practiced among people who love poorly. The hard truth is that all people love poorly. We need to forgive and be forgiven every day, every hour increasingly. That is the great work of love among the fellowship of the weak that is the human family.” -Henri Nouwen A new…
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“I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” -Jesus (John 8:12) There is something remarkable on the outskirts of Bethlehem. Just south of the small town, known more for who was born there, stands an impressive fortress, Herodium. It’s the highest point…
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“Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.” -Brené Brown Whether we are aware of it or not, we all hold power in our relationships. We have the power to make someone feel something about us (even if it is negative). We have the power to…
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“The idea of waiting for something makes it more exciting.” -Andy Warhol Every year, right when December 1st hits, I start to get excited. Christmas is my favorite holiday season and there is nothing better than it getting colder, days getting shorter, drinks getting warmer and the glow of lights going up in our neighborhood. Even…
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“If thou art willing to suffer no adversity, how wilt thou be the friend of Christ?” -Thomas à Kempis I’m a planner. I like to make plans, I like when I’m in the process of fulfilling the plans, I like looking back on the plan and seeing that it was exactly what I expected. You would…
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“We tend to perceive what we expect to perceive.” -David G. Martin In my reading this week I came across a short paragraph about pushing people toward experience. The quote above reflected one of the many ways we resist leaning into our experiences by relying more on our expectations and faulty perceptions. To prove this…
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“You are wounded in relationships. You are healed in relationships.” -Dr. Jason Hayes My professor said this statement the other day in class as we were discussing how we experience brokenness in community. If I had it my way, community would only be about the good things: the ways I feel encouraged – the moments of fun…
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“Although we are weeping Lord, help us keep sowing The seeds of Your Kingdom, For the day You will reap them Your sheaves we will carry, Lord, please do not tarry All those who sow weeping will go out with songs of joy.” -Psalm 126 (Molly Parden – Bifrost Arts) I am often struck by how little the heroes of our faith were…
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“Many people are good at talking about what they are doing, but in fact do little. Others do a lot but don’t talk about it; they are the ones who make a community live.” -Jean Vanier In last week’s blog I talked about the tension we all feel as we exhaust ourselves by filling our schedules, while…
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“Community is only being created when [its members] have recognized that the greatness of man is to accept his insignificance, his human condition and his earth, and to thank God for having put in a finite body the seeds of eternity which are visible in small and daily gestures of love and forgiveness.” -Jean Vanier Have…
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“The mystery of one man is too immense and too profound to be explained by another man.” -Henri Nouwen This past week, I’ve been thinking a lot about stories. I believe we are made for stories and we respond on a deeper level to stories than we would to straight facts and figures. The stories…
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“Healing is impossible in loneliness; it is the opposite of loneliness. Conviviality is healing. To be healed we must come with all other creatures to the feast of Creation.” -Wendell Berry I’m reading through Acts this month. I’m always looking for new ways to refresh my views of community building and intentional living. I can’t imagine…
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“As soon as we are alone,…inner chaos opens up in us. This chaos can be so disturbing and so confusing that we can hardly wait to get busy again…We often use the outer distractions to shield ourselves from the interior noises. This makes the discipline of solitude all the more important.” -Henri Nouwen This week if I…
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“Criticism of others is thus an oblique form of self-commendation. We think we make the picture hang straight on our wall by telling our neighbors that all his pictures are crooked.” -Fulton J. Sheen Have you ever had one of those moments where you bomb in front of a lot of people? For some of…
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“Jesus does not offer to make bad people good but to make dead people alive.” -Ravi Zacharias This quote was in a chapter of Ravi Zacharias’ book The Grand Weaver that I’ve been reading the past few weeks. I’ve been mulling over these words, trying to let them settle to the deeper parts of my soul (I’ve been…
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“Our love of being right is best understood as our fear of being wrong.” -Kathryn Schulz This past week I had a really hard conversation with a close friend. It was uncomfortable, I immediately wished we were not having it, and I had to fight my tendency to back track and smooth things over. If you…
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“Everybody is identical in their secret unspoken belief that way deep down they are different from everyone else.” David Foster Wallace “Hey, I need you to hold me accountable…” Every week in high school, a small group of guys from my church would meet in the basement of our friend’s house with our youth leader.…
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I decided to read through the book of John this month, one chapter a day until I finish it. I have done this at various times in my life and each reading through I am always struck by how new and fresh it can feel. This morning in John chapter 1 there is a great…
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