Pornography Addiction
Romans 1:18-23 teaches us that when we suppress the truth, we stop thanking God. In other words, we become ungrateful. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 echoes this sentiment, encouraging us to give thanks in all circumstances. As we become ungrateful, we lose a ton of benefits, including: This year was filled with uncertainty, anxiety, and a ton…
Read MoreThe more I study gratitude, the more I am convinced that as Christian heads of companies, emphasizing gratitude to our teams will have a profound impact across our lives and even on the bottom line of the business. Look at this list of the general benefits of gratitude Stronger, healthier relationships Improved sleep quality and…
Read MoreHow we define ourselves has a tremendous impact on our lives. Our beliefs run our emotions, will, reason, and behaviors. So if we have a negative belief about who we are, then we should expect that our emotions, will, reason, and behaviors will line up with that belief. The same holds true if we have…
Read MoreI am 52 years old and am over 300 pounds. Though all my vitals are normal, there will come a day when hypertension, diabetes, or some other health issue will dominate my life. More than that, God called me to be a steward of my body. I don’t want my wife and kids to suffer…
Read MoreChristian counseling has exploded. Many counselors look to attach themselves to churches. Some churches maintain a list of referral sources. Some have even closed their list of referral sources since there were so many counselors looking to get on them. Being a counselor, I am biased as to how I would encourage churches to choose. …
Read MoreI’ve had a setback. I fear that something I really wanted to see happen may not happen. How many times in my career have I dreamed about something, developed plans around it, got my team on board with it, spent money on it, and then it came up short? I fear that this will be…
Read MoreBelow is an example of how I filled out my Gospel Break template earlier this week: Gospel Break: What is the Gospel? Father, your Gospel says that you had compassion on us sinners. Despite our infidelity towards you, You were faithful to us. We were dead in our sins. We despised you, we replaced you,…
Read MoreAs believers, our goal is to love God with all we have and are and to love our neighbor as ourselves. We discussed in a previous blog how that comes only when we see how much God loved us first. Unfortunately, we often only know intellectually that God loves us; we may struggle to truly…
Read MoreHow do you come to really believe that God loves you with all He has and is? You believe it intellectually. You’ve seen it in the Gospel. But how do you get to a point of functionally believing something as big as that? How could the God of the Universe possibly love you, specifically? How…
Read MoreLove transforms us. When we know something we’re doing bothers someone we really love, we stop doing it. When we know that something brings someone we really love joy, we give it to them. Our lives are not what they could be because we are not functionally convinced that God loves us with all He…
Read MoreOkay, this may sound overly simplistic at first, but hear me out. The first commandment is that we are to love God with all we have and are. But when we sin, there is always the same one-two punch that Satan delivered to Adam and Eve: First, he gets us to believe that we can…
Read More“Now Christ is the visible expression of the invisible God. He existed before creation began, for it was through him that every thing was made, whether spiritual or material, seen or unseen. Through him, and for him, also, were created power and dominion, ownership and authority. In fact, every single thing was created through, and…
Read MoreFor one reason or another, your resume is too long. Maybe you’ve finished your first draft to find you have a 5-page monster on your hands. Or maybe you’re like me, and you just dump accomplishments and dates haphazardly into an overgrown document until you need them. Maybe you’re simply overqualified for a role. Pushing…
Read MoreBeing able to flush/align left and right simultaneously is extremely helpful when creating professional documents. This is text flush left. The text is aligned to the left. This is text flush right. The text is aligned to the right.. Below is text flush left and right at the same time. Notice how the texts share…
Read MoreThere are countless resources on the internet about how you should format your resume. Font, font size, margin, page count, layout, expensive paper? The number of decisions you have to make when building your resume is dizzying. What decisions are right? What kind of layout will help you get the job? To answer those questions,…
Read More“Tell me about a time when you dealt with conflict.” “How would you handle an upset customer?” “What role do you normally take in your team?” If you’ve ever received a non-technical interview, you might have prepared for questions like these. Most interviewers use what’s called behavioral interviewing, a style of interview filled with questions…
Read MoreWhat day of quarantine are you on? Today is about day 45 for me. Around day 12 or so, I concluded that I was not a huge fan of COVID-19 at all. Especially as a career development coach, I’ve had a front row seat to the never-before-seen impacts of this global pandemic on our work…
Read MoreTo college or not to college? That is the question. Maybe you’ve struggled to make good grades in middle and high school. Maybe the career path you want to pursue emphasizes real work experience over a degree. Maybe you simply see college as a waste of time and money. How can you tell what is the right thing…
Read MoreJack woke up at 3am, and once again he could not fall back asleep. Not even getting into his perfect sleep position seemed to help, even though he was tired. He wasn’t particularly worried about anything. He just could not fall back asleep. He used to get good sleep, but for some reason that stopped a…
Read MoreLet’s face it. We know what Scriptures says. We know the sins we’ve kept alive for years. They are not changing. Now really think of this… Do you really want to change? You know you are supposed to change. You know you should change, but do you really want to change? Even as I type this, I…
Read MoreBy Ryan C. Bailey Does someone in your life keep relating the same painful story over and over again? Is it getting old? Like you’ve heard it all before, and you wonder why they have to keep sharing it? Is there a part of you that doesn’t even want to be around that person? Listen…
Read MoreYou have been through a lot of pain. A massive level of betrayal rocked your world, and life has changed. Now, some time later, the pain isn’t as sharp, but it’s there. Just reading the first paragraph of this blog makes you more aware of it than before you started reading. What happened to…
Read MoreLast weekend the DJ/musician Avicii (age 28) and “mini-me” actor Verne Troyer (age 49) both died of alcohol-related issues. These were tragic deaths related to an addiction, so I wanted to provide some perspective. Perhaps alcohol isn’t your poison, but Christians – and our Christian counselors at 1st Principle Group – have more to say…
Read MoreAh, the much maligned multitasking. All leaders, whether they are faith-based or not – from pastors and ministry leaders to business leaders and professional service firms – doctors, lawyers, accountants, management consultants, financial consultants, other coaches and counselors – everybody is complaining about not having enough margin. They’re time-crunched and overwhelmed. It’s tough to get…
Read MoreUsually I work much more on the marriage counseling side, but I’ve been getting a lot more calls from people fresh from a divorce.They are in shock. And in so much pain. Their spouse may have wanted the divorce, not them. Now they feel shame. They feel isolated and alone. They’re losing friends. They don’t…
Read MoreI’ve been meeting with many clients about overcoming the emotional pain of divorce lately, so we thought I should talk about divorce-proofing a marriage as well. Most of our clients are Christians, and they take divorce seriously. We all know how painful (and expensive!) divorce is, so I encourage everyone: take your marriages seriously too! …
Read More“We are all treading around, stumbling on each other’s toes as we are learning to love.” Sue Johnson To the injuring* partner, (*I use the word injuring to imply one who is or has inflicted pain on another, whether through infidelity, neglect, blame and criticism, or another form of relational hurt.) You need a safe…
Read More“Everyone says that forgiveness is a lovely idea, until they have something to forgive.” C.S. Lewis To those who have felt betrayed by your spouse, specifically through an affair: You could be anywhere on this journey of betrayal. Maybe the waves of shock have passed, leaving remnants of confusion and pain. Maybe numbness has set…
Read MoreFor the past several months, I have been writing about the delicate balance between accountability, shame, and transformation. We have struggled to make sense of why our actions don’t change after inviting people in…seeking honest repentance…and beating ourselves up when we fail. We want to feel bad enough so our behaviors change, but in the…
Read More“Nothing ever becomes real ’til it is experienced.” -John Keats Last spring, a friend and I went backpacking in North Carolina for several nights. We hiked a trail both of us were familiar with but decided to summit a small peak neither of us had done before off on a side trail. If you’ve been…
Read More“Scars have the strange power to remind us that our past is real.” – Cormac McCarthy If you’re new to this series, I’ve been exploring a “theology of emotions.” I’m going to conclude the series this month by looking at how to do all of this in a way that glorifies God while also helps…
Read More“No feeling is final.” -Rainer Maria Rilke If you know me well, you know how much I love the band U2. If you want to hear me nerd-out to anything, U2 is probably where I get my “nerdiest.” When I was in 5th grade, I heard one of their songs on my sister’s mix tape…
Read More“What you resist not only persists, but will grow in size.” -C.G. Jung- Last month I began to explore why we have emotions by looking at how Jesus used his emotions as a gauge. Jesus used them as a gauge for how close he was to the Father – anger/sadness at the brokenness of the…
Read More“Thoughts are the shadows of our feelings – always darker, emptier and simpler.”-Friedrich Nietzsche- Google “scripture” and “emotions” and notice what shows up: What does the Bible say about controlling emotions? 10 verses on controlling emotions How to get rid of bad emotions How to not be controlled by your emotions What’s the theme here?…
Read More“Strange how complicated we can make things just to avoid showing what we feel!” -Erich Maria Remarque- “…but I shouldn’t feel this way.” I have heard it, and even said it myself, very often. There is some emotion inside of me that lurks, feeling uncontrolled, like I can’t get rid of it…can’t make sense of it…so…
Read More“There is a great deal of pain in life and perhaps the only pain that can be avoided is the pain that comes from trying to avoid pain.” -R.D. Laing “Where do I start?” Almost every person that sits across from me has trouble knowing how to tell me their story…how they got to be sitting in a…
Read MoreI want to wish you a merry Christmas and Happy New Year from 1st Principle Group! As I reflect on this year I am thankful for the ways you have allowed me to challenge you each week. The responses I receive from you are always encouraging and often challenging to me as well! As we…
Read MoreWhen we turned the corner and entered the grounds of the church, I immediately froze. My wife and I were on vacation, exploring a foreign city, excited to visit the grounds of a church that was over 1,000 years old. What caused me to freeze was not some gorgeous stained glass window, or the sheer…
Read MoreAs I reflect on this previous year, I am struck by a constant theme I saw in a lot of the work I did with clients. When people have experienced years of abuse, unhealthy relationships, darkness, and relentless anxiety…they tend to make sense of it all by reducing it to small, bite-size statements of fact…
Read MoreOver the Thanksgiving holiday, my wife and I traveled on several flights and as many of you know, this provides sufficient time for reflection, rest…and people watching. More often than not, I get really excited about flying. I understand why people don’t like it, but I’m pretty content to sit and read or watch movies…
Read More“To be grateful is to recognize the Love of God in everything He has given us – and He has given us everything. Every breath we draw is a gift of His love, every moment of existence is a grace, for it brings with it immense graces from Him. Gratitude therefore takes nothing for granted,…
Read More“…the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit…” Isaiah 61:3 I have been camped out in Isaiah for the past few months working on a paper specifically looking at chapter 61. It has been a good exercise diving deeper into what was happening at the time of this prophecy and how the people hearing…
Read MoreWe’ve been on this sex and singleness journey for a little over a month now and we’ve got just three weeks left. I hope that you feel the freedom to ask questions, offer thoughts/dialogue, and begin discussions within your own realms. And if you find that you leave with more questions than answers, I’m so glad.…
Read MoreCompiled below are links to the second series of our Gospel-Centered Sexuality newsletter, Sex and Singleness. Click here to join us and sign up for our weekly newsletter offering Gospel-centered sexual education to empower, equip, and support you.
Read MoreLast week, we explored reasons why our sexual desires exist in the first place. They are good, created by a good God, to draw us deeper into relational intimacy with himself and with others. By understanding why these desires exist, we gain a greater framework for understanding how to navigate them. One of my primary purposes…
Read MoreThis post may disappoint you. Because I think in a topic like masturbation, we are often looking for one of two things: assurance that it’s okay (that essentially we’re okay and normal) or clear Biblical passages on why it’s not okay. What you’ll find instead is my perspective, which is one of many other perspectives on the topic of…
Read MoreThis week, I got the chance to hear from Ryan on the impact of pornography use on our well-being. Ryan has years of experience working in pornography addiction recovery and has walked with many clients towards freedom and healing in this area. I’m thankful to have gained his expertise on this sensitive topic. It’s no secret that…
Read MoreWe’ve got an issue here. And it’s not that sexual desires exist. If you are a human being, you have innate sexual desires. And I want to first normalize them for you. They are God-given and natural; they are not shameful. God created sexual desires and anything God created is good. However, Satan has warped this good gift…
Read More“We all of us need to be toppled off the throne of self… Perched up there the tears of others are never upon our own cheek.” -Elizabeth Goudge This past Sunday as I was listening to the sermon I had a thought that humbled me in a lot of ways. The pastor was talking about what…
Read More“When I pronounce the word Silence,I destroy it.” -Wisława Szymborska I write a lot about vulnerability because we (I) struggle so much with not only figuring out how to do it, but how to do it consistently and authentically. During a therapy group this week I witnessed a man processing the loss of a relationship…
Read More“Few delights can equal the mere presence of one whom we trust utterly.”-George MacDonald I like being right. There’s a pride in it…it feels good…but I also like being right when I help people. I like when I correctly diagnose a problem, offer the right solution and watch someone get better because of it (I…
Read MoreCompiled below are links to the first series of our Gospel-Centered Sexuality newsletter, Our Theology of Sex. Click here to join us and sign up for our weekly newsletter offering Gospel-centered sexual education to empower, equip, and support you.
Read MoreI’m a single Christian talking about sex. And up until this past year, I thought this was wrong. I believed the lie that sex as a topic made sense for only married Christians to explore and understand. As a single, I had little place in this dialogue. The topic didn’t make me uncomfortable or nervous. I…
Read MoreSex and worship are not often used in the same sentence in the Christian realm. We are told not to worship sex, of course. Our limited minds have a way of taking what is meant to bring worship to the Creator and instead, we settle for worshiping the creation itself. As C. S. Lewis says,…
Read MoreThis question has put me on a path of exploration and depth as I dive into the Bible. If you’re like me, you didn’t grow up wondering what the purpose of sex’s existence was. I just accepted that it existed and moved on. But, here I found myself, one year into graduate school and 23…
Read More“To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any…
Read More“We must learn to regard people less in the light of whatdo or omit to do, and more in the light of what they suffer.” -Dietrich Bonhoeffer Last week, I had the opportunity to speak to a small group of professionals about vulnerability. I was one of 10 speakers and each one took a different angle…
Read MoreI had the chance to hear Dr. Curt Thompson speak this past week about his new book The Soul of Shame. In his second book [the first being The Anatomy of the Soul, also recommended], Dr. Thompson dives into the biological, psychological, and social roots of shame. It is something we all experience, and as I read this…
Read More“But feelings can’t be ignored, no matter how unjust or ungrateful they seem.” -Anne Frank “And just like that, I snapped…out of nowhere…I was so angry.” I would not consider myself a very angry person, but there have been times when it comes out and surprises me. The “out of nowhere” sentiment is meaningful to…
Read More“Is it really possible to tell someone else what one feels?” -Leo Tolstoy This week, a friend relayed to me some frustrations about being vulnerable. After sharing her thoughts and feelings authentically, she was caught off guard by the somewhat negative reaction of her peers. This is the funny thing about vulnerability: it doesn’t always…
Read More“If you do not tell the truth about yourself, you cannot tell it about other people.” -Virginia Woolf “What are you hiding?” A friend said he was asked this question recently and we began discussing its merits. If you are like me, you probably read that with an accusatory tone in it. If I were to…
Read More“Our job is to love others without stopping to inquire whether or not they are worthy. That is not our business and, in fact, it is nobody’s business. What we are asked to do is to love, and this love itself will render both ourselves and our neighbors worthy.” -Thomas Merton I have several friends…
Read More“Just as the wave cannot exist for itself, but is ever a part of the heaving surface of the ocean, so must I never live my life for itself, but always in the experience which is going on around me.” -Albert Schweitzer My schedule has me running at a pretty frantic pace most weeks. I…
Read More“But the Hebrew word, the word timshel – ‘Thou mayest’ – that gives a choice. It may be the most important word in the world. That says the way is open. That throws it right back on a man. For if ‘Thou mayest’ – it is also true that ‘Thou mayest not.’ -John Steinbeck I was listening to a patient*…
Read More“Perfectionism is a self destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.”-Brené Brown I had a therapist colleague this week challenge me in a way I was not expecting. After leading a…
Read MoreBy Ryan C. Bailey Jack and Jill have been married for years. Jack runs his own company and Jill keeps more than busy taking care of the house and shuttling the kids to all their church activities, sport trainings, music lessons, play dates, etc. They are both exhausted and are trying to keep their heads…
Read MoreI’m on vacation this week so this will be short… I like to read non-psychology related things when I have some time off. I came across this section in an essay by one of my favorite writers, Wendell Berry, about work that has really hit me hard this week: “Good human work honors God’s work.…
Read More“Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.” Søren Kierkegaard There’s a fantastic series on PBS called “This Emotional Life” that explores the nature of our emotions and how the brain reacts in all sorts of funny ways. When describing fear, this series talks about the function of our amygdala and its relationship with the prefrontal cortex.…
Read MoreWe’ve been silent. We – as followers of Christ, as parents, as pastors and influential leaders – we’ve been silent on the topic of sex. We’ve been silent in teaching our children the purposes and beauty of sex. Silent in our personal sexual struggles. Silent in supporting singles in the Church as they navigate sexual desires.…
Read More“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.” -Carl Jung I taught a group this week on the various roles we play in our families. We primarily discussed these roles in a dysfunctional family and how they serve to protect the family “secret” that…
Read More“Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be, since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be.” -Thomas à Kempis I read this week how our need for control can be a response to anxiety. When anxiety floods our brains, our natural response system kicks in – do I fight?…
Read MoreThis past couple of months, we’ve discussed some critical tools to begin the conversation about sex with your children. I hope that you’ve begun to feel more comfortable and empowered to explore this topic with your child. More than anything, I hope you feel less alone in the matter. However, I recognize that there is…
Read MoreThis past couple of months, we’ve discussed some critical tools to begin the conversation about sex with your children. I hope that you’ve begun to feel more comfortable and empowered to explore this topic with your child. More than anything, I hope you feel less alone in the matter. However, I recognize that there is…
Read MoreI fear setting goals. Call it the Millennial part of me…I have some very vague and general goals for my life…but when it comes to making a plan and taking steps, I can freeze in indecision. Setting a goal means I have set up something I may not be able to meet. It is a…
Read More“In a room where people unanimously maintain a conspiracy of silence, one word of truth sounds like a pistol shot.” –Czesław Miłosz Have you ever watched a child respond to a question with something that feels only half true? You can see it in their face – the slight smile…the immediate shift of eye contact…
Read MoreIf you are following this series, you know that we have been talking about sex for quite a while now. We are passionate about helping you navigate this fragile topic with your child. We’ve explored when to begin and continue teaching your children about sex. We’ve also talked about the importance of developing your own beliefs before you begin…
Read More“Pain in this life is not avoidable, but the pain we create avoiding pain is avoidable.” -R.D. Laing But I hate that I do it…I don’t want to do it anymore…Nothing in me wants it. It’s the one thing you can’t stop doing. That action you return to in times of stress, sadness, or frustration.…
Read More“Has it ever occurred to you that one hundred pianos all tuned to the same fork are automatically tuned to each other? They are of one accord by being tuned, not to each other, but to another standard to which each one must individually bow. So one hundred worshipers met together, each one looking away…
Read MoreIn our last post, we discussed the crucial precedent to talking to our children about sex: develop our own belief on the subject. Now that we have a foundation, this week we will unpack when to actually begin having these conversations with our children. Is there an optimal time frame that considers our child’s emotional capacity while laying a foundation before…
Read More“The limits of my language means the limits of my world.” -Ludwig Wittgenstein “Have you said these things to her?” my friend asked me with some leading. I had just finished enthusiastically praising my wife to this friend, telling him how incredible she had been during the week, how much I appreciated her hard work and…
Read More“We must know before we can love. In order to know God, we must often think of Him; and when we come to love Him, we shall then also think of Him often, for our heart will be with our treasure.” -Brother Lawrence I am constantly reminded of how much of a gift my community…
Read MoreBefore entering graduate school, I knew that the topic of sex was universally important. However, I failed to acknowledge its relevance in my life as a single Christian. My narrow thinking was shattered as I was asked to develop my personal theology of sex. I wrestled with where to begin in this seemingly complex, and…
Read More“Man is not what he thinks he is, he is what he hides.” -André Malraux I talk a lot about ‘being real.’ Part of this focus is because of how much I see individuals struggling to really tap into the parts of their hearts that they believe versus what they feel they should believe. In a conversation with…
Read More“It is dangerous to know, but it is more dangerous not to know.” -Rollo May Over the last week, I’ve been reading a very compelling book on addictions for a class I’m taking this summer. What has struck me about this book is a simple truth about how we live our lives and the choices we…
Read MoreOver the next couple of months, we will be doing a blog series on how to talk to your children about sex. At a young age, my mother opened up the dialogue with me, which allowed for ongoing discussions on various aspects of sexuality. It also provided a necessary platform for me to better understand God…
Read MoreGrowing up in a house full of women, I have often been labeled as a ‘softy.’ I’ll be the first to admit that I do feel things deeply, but I really can work hard to hide the fact that the Dove soap commercial about Mother’s Day made me feel emotions… I am also highly analytical…
Read More“Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.” -Mark Twain Do you remember that first moment someone you thought so highly of did something awful? The shock of your idol/sibling/parent/best friend doing something you know in your heart to be wrong? For me, one of the earliest instances…
Read MoreHow are you maximizing Google Calendar to keep you focused on your essential tasks? I work with many business leaders and their teams, and one of the things we work on together is how to use our time effectively. As leaders, we have many demands on our time. And many distractions. Sometimes, we give-in to…
Read More“We must learn to regard people less in the light of what they do or omit to do, and more in the light of what they suffer.” -Dietrich Bonhoeffer A few weeks ago, I had one of those moments in life that blatantly reminded me that the world is not black and white. As my…
Read MoreEvery year, a few of the guys I went to college with take a backpacking trip. It’s a chance for us to stretch our legs, reminisce, and be reminded of how cushy our lives are now that we’re all working and raising families. I missed one of the trips early on when an incredible thing…
Read More“Unbeing dead isn’t being alive.” E.E. Cummings While visiting Paris a few years ago, my wife and I ducked into a small cemetery on the outskirts of the city. Not a typical stop for tourists but we heard from locals that it was a beautiful place to take a walk and there were several prominent…
Read MoreHave you noticed the increased interest in liver health these days? There are so many liver detox plans/diets. And of course there are many views about these detox plans. One of the greatest issues surrounding liver health is fatty liver disease. What is fatty liver disease and who has it? Simply stated, fatty liver disease…
Read More“A ship is safe in the harbor, but that’s not what ships are for.” -William G.T. Shedd There is an element of risk involved in comedy. I learned from my dad at an early age that a well timed phrase, observation, or interpretation can lift people in a way that few things can. I learned…
Read More“Faith is the bird that feels the light and sings when the dawn is still dark.” -Rabindranath Tagore There is a great temptation to allow our lives to be dominated by fear. Fear of external things, outside of our control. Fear of our own beliefs and doubts. Fear of the unknown. We are told each…
Read More“Accepting the reality of our sinfulness means accepting our authentic self. Judas could not face his shadow; Peter could. The latter befriended the impostor within; the former raged against him.” -Brennan Manning Last week, I wrote about a newer repentance (newer to me…) Looking at repentance relationally gives us a deeper understanding of grace because…
Read More“If you are renewed by grace, and were to meet your old self, I am sure you would be very anxious to get out of his company.” -Charles Haddon Spurgeon “I’m sorry…I can see how I hurt you.” I say this often to my wife. And I really mean it when I do. When she tells…
Read MoreAs I mentioned in my last blog, I had never planned on visiting a chiropractor. In fact, I had only heard negative things about chiropractic care. As a child, I remember hearing a doctor tell my mother that she was never, in any circumstance, to allow a chiropractor to touch her back. It scared me. …
Read More“True humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less.” -C.S. Lewis When thinking about our relationships we’re often taught to watch out for the company we keep. There are various proverbs that remind us that our relationships with others will influence us and have the power to bring us down. It’s outward…
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