What do you do if you and your spouse find yourselves embroiled in conflict that never seems to go anywhere? In order to see progress and find resolution, it can be helpful to use a tool that we call the “Safe Zone Exercise”.
A Safe Zone is where you and your spouse create a set time period and agree to discuss something without having an argument. The purpose of the Safe Zone is to learn that you are safe with each other, understand where the other person is, and practice speaking up in a constructive way when something isn’t working.
The time period for a Safe Zone is usually 15 minutes. It seems short, but you would be surprised at what can be resolved in 15 minutes!
As you move into discussion, you or your spouse may feel emotions, such as defensiveness or frustration, that move you away from the Safe Zone and towards argument. When this happens, either person involved has the right to say, “Hey, I see that this is starting to move towards argument. Can we approach things differently?”
Throughout the conversation, state where you are emotionally and seek to understand where your spouse is too: keep telling the other person where you are throughout the conversation. For example, if you find yourself getting defensive, say so: “I’m starting to feel defensive.” On the flip side, if the other person has just told you they are starting to feel a negative emotion, ask how to make it better. “What are you hearing from me that needs to shift in order for you to not feel afraid?”
Allow yourself to feel what you feel during the Safe Zone, but watch how you express it. Take responsibility for how you are feeling – the other person doesn’t have the power to dictate your feelings, so don’t blame your feelings on them. Switch from saying things like, “You’re making me frustrated” to “I’m feeling frustrated”. As you express what you are feeling, tell the other person how they can help you. For example: “If you repeat back to me what you hear me saying, that would help my frustration. But you aren’t responsible for my frustration.”
Safe Zones can feel very awkward and even risky, but learning to articulate where you are and move forwards together is crucial in finding true resolution.
Finally, take responsibility for changing yourself instead of waiting on the other person to change. Only you have the power to choose to change, and sometimes one person moving in a healthy direction will influence change in the other person as well.
Chew On This:
How might you express emotions differently during a Safe Zone than you would during a normal argument?
