Forgiveness is at the very heart of the Christian life. As those who have been forgiven an immeasurable debt by God through Christ, we are called to reflect that same grace to others-even when it seems impossible or undeserved. But what does it mean to forgive, and how can we actually do it?
What Is Forgiveness?
According to the Merriam Webster dictionary, to forgive is to give up resentment or the claim to repayment, to grant relief from a debt, or to cease to feel resentment against an offender. But biblical forgiveness goes even deeper. It is not simply excusing or minimizing wrongdoing, nor is it necessarily the same as reconciliation. Forgiveness is releasing the offender from your personal vengeance and entrusting justice to God.
Forgiveness does not require the offender to change or even ask for forgiveness. It is not saying that what happened was okay. Rather, it is about freeing yourself from the burden of bitterness and resentment, which, if left unchecked, can poison your heart and relationships. In Christ, forgiveness is both a command and a gift-a way to reflect our Savior and walk in the freedom He purchased for us.
Why Forgive?
- We forgive because we have been forgiven. Ephesians 4:32 commands us to forgive one another as God in Christ forgave us. No one has ever wronged us as deeply as we have wronged God, and yet He forgave us at the cost of His Son.
- Forgiveness is evidence of a changed heart. Jesus teaches that forgiving others is not a condition for our salvation, but it is a mark of those who have truly received God’s grace.
- Unforgiveness leads to bitterness and isolation. The cost of not forgiving is high; hanging onto resentment only deepens our wounds and distances us from others and from God. People who don’t forgive isolate themselves as they perceive that more and more people are like their offender and remove them from their lives.
But How Do You Forgive?
The first step in forgiveness is to clearly identify what you need to forgive. Some parts of the offense will be obvious, but others may be more subtle and hidden beneath the surface. It’s important to recognize both the clear and the less obvious wounds.
Once you know what needs to be forgiven, you can use one or more of the following nine steps. Each step requires thoughtful reflection and a willingness to engage deeply with the process. Steps 1-4 are adapted from sermons on forgiveness by Tim Keller of Redeemer Presbyterian Church in New York City.
1. Remember God’s Infinite Holiness
God is infinitely holy, good, and pure, and even the smallest offense we commit against Him is actually greater than any offense a human could commit against us. If someone goes around committing heinous crimes, and afterwards is acquitted by a judge, the victims of his crimes and their families would be outraged. Justice demands that the payment for an offense matches its seriousness. Yet, compared to God’s holiness, our sins against Him are far worse than any wrong done to us. Since God has forgiven us and sent his Son to take the punishment in our place, we can forgive even the greatest offenses, while still setting healthy boundaries to protect ourselves from repeated harm.
2. Make the Offender Your Equal
When we have not forgiven someone, we often place ourselves in a position of judgment over that person, which creates a “one-up/one-down” relationship. This mindset leads us to believe we have the right to judge them, making it difficult to pursue forgiveness. However, if we honestly consider that there is sin in our own hearts capable of causing harm similar to what was done to us, and if we reflect on the implications of this, we begin to see that the offender is not so different from us. It becomes easier to forgive someone when we recognize they are “just like us,” rather than viewing them as beneath us.
3. Christ Paid Perfectly for the Believer’s Sin; The Unbeliever Will Answer on the Last Day
If the offender is a believer, we know that Christ has already paid in full for that person’s sin against us. Therefore, if we continue to withhold forgiveness, it is as if we are saying that Christ’s sacrifice is not enough and that we demand more justice than what Christ provided for that offense. This attitude minimizes the significance of the cross and, in essence, becomes a sin itself. If the offender is not a believer and never becomes one, then sadly, they will have to answer for their actions on Judgment Day. In either case, we can release our need for personal justice, trusting that God knows exactly what appropriate justice for the offense is and will deliver it perfectly in his time.
4. Choose to Forgive the Debt
When we have not forgiven someone, our hearts often seek inappropriate forms of justice, such as gossiping about the offender or harboring negative thoughts. By actively choosing not to pursue these forms of vengeance (which is inappropriate justice), we gradually diminish our feelings of resentment. The more we make this choice, the more we “pay down” the debt, and eventually, we may find that we no longer seek inappropriate justice because forgiveness has taken root in our hearts.
5. Recognize That Some Offenses Cannot Be Repaid
In some cases, the offense is so significant that no amount of justice could ever truly satisfy us. To avoid being trapped in bitterness, we must choose to forgive. Nothing the offender can do will ever fully make up for the harm, and no amount of vindictive action on our part will bring true peace. Even if the person spent a lifetime trying to make amends, and we spent our lives seeking retribution, we would gain nothing and only become bitter. The more we reflect on this reality, the more we realize that forgiveness is the only way to break free from that trap.
6. Pray for the Ability to Forgive
Do not underestimate the power of prayer in this process. Forgiveness is rarely easy and is often a journey that takes time. If you are struggling to forgive, ask God to soften your heart and grant you the gift of forgiveness. Invite the Holy Spirit to change you from within, trusting that nothing is impossible for Him and that He delights in giving good gifts to His children.
7. Imagine Life After Forgiveness
Take time to reflect on what your life would look like if you forgave the offender, and don’t be afraid to dream here. Ask yourself questions such as: What would life look like if I forgave the offender? What would I be thinking about instead of thinking about the bitter scenes that come into my head? What would my energy level be like if I released myself from the burden of carrying unforgiveness? What would my moods be like? The more you envision these changes, the more you will desire to forgive, and the more likely you are to actually take that step.
8. Affirm Your Forgiveness
Sometimes it helps to repeat your forgiveness in different ways to yourself, allowing it to take root at a heart level. You might say, “I forgive Jim,” or “I release myself from seeking justice against Jim,” or “I choose to no longer try to make Jim pay for what he did to me.” Expressing forgiveness in various forms can help you internalize it more deeply.
9. Write a Forgiveness Letter
Take some time to understand your offender by considering what may have led them to act as they did. Reflecting on their past traumas or hardships does not excuse the harm they caused, but it can help humanize them in your mind. Writing a letter in which you express the harm done to you, attempt to understand what may have led to it, and clearly declare your forgiveness can be a powerful and healing exercise. You may choose to mail the letter, keep it, or even destroy it, depending on what feels most helpful to you.
Forgiveness is a journey that often requires patience, reflection, and God’s help. By taking these steps, you can move toward the freedom and peace that forgiveness brings, protecting your heart from bitterness and opening yourself to the healing that only God can provide.
Chew On This: What is a wrong that you’ve been hanging on to, whether large or small? What is one step you can take to forgive that wrong this week?
