Disclaimer: The intention of this article is not to encourage the reader to diagnose their child or anyone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). NPD should be diagnosed by a qualified therapist. Unless the child is also suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder the diagnosis of NPD is not made before the age of 18.
The intention of this article is to help parents be proactive in addressing their children’s behavioral issues that seem highly self centered. If you suspect your child is struggling with abnormally selfish tendencies, we strongly encourage you to find a therapist who specializes in working with children as quickly as possible so you and your child can get help and support.
Narcissism is marked by an excessive focus on self—an inflated sense of importance, a craving for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. The gospel offers a powerful antidote to such self-centeredness, as it calls us to die to ourselves and live for Christ (Galatians 2:20). When we talk to our children, we should be serious about the problem of sin, and lavish about the hope of the gospel.
At the heart of the gospel is the recognition of our sinfulness and our deep need for grace. Narcissism, in its desire for personal glory, blinds us to this reality. Narcissists have an extremely fragile ego, and many of the dysfunctional behaviors of narcissism are attempts to protect their ego. However, when we come to Christ, we are confronted with the truth that “all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23). Help your child understand that they are not righteous and can never make themselves righteous, that only Christ is righteous. Help them see that being able to be righteous in and of themselves is an illusion and point them to the sufficiency of Christ, who takes away our sin and gives us his righteous perfection.
The gospel redefines where true worth is found. While someone with narcissistic tendencies looks inwards to determine their identity, looking to God and the promises he makes about our identity reveals everything we need to know about who we are. When we understand and confess the gospel, instead of seeking validation from others, we find our identity in being beloved children of God. (See here for a list of promises that God makes to believers.) The love of Christ, who gave Himself for us, is the ultimate assurance that we are valued—not because of our accomplishments or the attention we receive, but because of God’s grace (Ephesians 2:8-9). If your child struggling with narcissistic tendencies grasps this truth, it will help to free them from the exhausting pursuit of self-glorification.
As parents, it’s also important to remember that our child is a fallen sinner who is made in the image of god, rather than identifying them by a label. When we label our children, we set the expectation that they will act a certain way forever (often saying something like “Well, he/she just has X) or identify who they are with a sin problem. By remembering that our children’s identity is created by God, we can come alongside them and encourage them in what is true.
Through the work of the Holy Spirit, it is possible for your child’s to experience victory over their narcissistic tendencies. As the Holy Spirit works in our hearts, we begin to grow in humility, putting the needs of others before our own (Philippians 2:3-4). Empathy and selflessness—qualities foreign to narcissism—become marks of a life transformed by the gospel.
In Christ, even the most self-absorbed heart can be redeemed, reoriented, and restored to reflect His love and humility.
Chew on This:
Does your child understand the gospel at a heart level? If not, how could you initiate a conversation about the gospel?
