As Christian parents, few things are more painful than watching one of our beloved adult child walk away from the faith. As we grieve, process, and allow ourselves to feel the emotions that come with this decision, it’s natural to question where things went wrong or to feel a heavy burden of responsibility. But Scripture is unequivocally clear that God is still in control (Proverbs 19:21), and that people aren’t saved through our efforts but through his will (Ephesians 2:8-9, Titus 3:5). Salvation belongs to the Lord, so our role is to love, pray, and trust in God’s unseen work, even when we can’t understand what he is doing.
1. Release the Burden
It’s easy to internalize your child’s choices as a personal failure. Yet, we must accept our limits: we cannot save anyone-only God can. Even the best parenting cannot guarantee faith, and God’s grace can reach our children’s hearts despite our shortcomings. Before you talk to your adult children, pour out your heart to God in honest prayer and ground yourself in the truth that you cannot save them – only God can do that.
2. Love and Respect as Image Bearers
Continue to treat your child with dignity and respect, recognizing them as a fellow image bearer of God. You can express that you will always love and care about them while also gently setting boundaries where needed. For example, you might say something like, “I love you deeply, and I will always care about you.” Unconditional love speaks volumes, especially when paired with gentle boundaries that honor your own beliefs.
For example, if your adult child wants you to approve of them living with a boyfriend or girlfriend, you might say,
“I absolutely love you and that won’t change no matter what. You know where I stand with my faith, and because of God’s love for me, I can’t approve of something that violates how He designed things. Therefore, as much as I love you, I can’t approve of your living arrangement. You are an adult, you make your choices and take the good/bad consequences from them. No matter what I won’t ever stop loving you”.
3. Foster Open, Curious Conversations
Instead of debates or corrections, seek to truly understand your child’s perspective. Ask open-ended questions and actively listen. Find common ground and nurture those shared values. When life’s hardships come, be ready to meet them with compassion and wisdom.
For example, you might ask questions like:
“What does this mean to you?”
“How do you see this?”
“I see that you value X, and that’s something that’s important to me too.”
4. Set Boundaries with Grace
If your child challenges your beliefs, calmly express your own convictions and request mutual respect. This non-judgmental but firm stance can help keep the door open for future spiritual conversations.
For example, if your child says, “Christianity is outdated”, you might say,
“I understand that it feels that way to you. Please know that there is nothing more core to me than my faith. It is my standard of truth. I get that you see it differently. I love you and want a great relationship with you despite our differences.”
To sum everything up, here are the core principles to keep in mind:
- Trust God’s work in your child’s life, even when unseen.
- Release the burden of feeling responsible for their faith.
- Recognize your limits-only God saves.
- Continue to love and respect your child as an image-bearer of God.
- Foster open, curious, and respectful conversations.
- Seek understanding, not debate.
- Find and nurture common ground.
- Be present when life’s challenges reveal spiritual needs.
- Maintain healthy boundaries regarding beliefs.
- Relate and love, even in disagreement.
Above all, keep praying. God is at work in ways you cannot see, and your loving presence can be a powerful testimony of Christ’s enduring love.
Chew on This: How can you show the love of Christ to your child today, even if they aren’t receptive? How can meditating on God’s love help you heal in this season?
