All children are born with a sinful nature that comes from our fallen nature as descendants of Adam. This fallen nature often expresses itself in childhood as disobedience. Because disobedience is ultimately directed at God, the goal of our discipline should not be behavior manipulation, but rather helping change our children’s hearts towards God. Realizing that we are all sinners in need of grace helps us approach the challenge of disobedient children with both grace and firmness. Here are some strategies you can use to help guide your child if they struggle with obedience.
Prayer and Dependence on God
We can begin by acknowledging our complete dependence on God’s grace. As much as we want to be parents who are loving and handle our child’s disobedience perfectly every time, we can’t do it in our own strength. We need Christ in every parenting decision and motivation.
Aim for Godliness, Not Behavior Control
Often, we dislike our child’s disobedience because it’s inconvenient, insulting, or makes us look bad. Our heart attitudes and beliefs shape our behavior, so rather than just trying to get our children to perform the right behavior, we need to nurture the heart behind their behaviors as well. We do this by consistently pointing them towards God and teaching them that life is about pleasing God, not pleasing ourselves, and teaching them about Christ’s sacrifice, God’s love for us, and how He is worthy of all our worship and obedience.
Encourage Heart Change Alongside Behavior Management
Tied to the previous point, we should not just discipline our children for disobedience (as important as that is!) but we should also teach and encourage our children to do the right thing. As believers, we should be aiming for renewed hearts and minds for our children. Our actions stem from our hearts, and we need hearts that want to honor and worship God in order to see lasting change, not just behavioral modification. Pray for your child’s salvation, use your authority to point to God’s authority, and be intentional about reading Scripture with your child. Even if you don’t see results now, you may be planting seeds that may blossom years down the road.
Provide Consistent Consequences
Administer appropriate consequences for disobedience consistently. Proverbs 13:24 reminds us, “Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.” Make sure that your rules and standards are consistent, and that you and your spouse are on the same page regarding when discipline needs to happen and what the consequences are. Decide in advance what consequences for specific misbehavior will be, and take a break if you need to before administering consequences so you are in control and acting in your child’s best interest.
Remember, the goal is not just outward compliance but a heart transformed by the gospel. As you consistently apply these principles, trust in God’s sovereign work in your child’s life. With patience, love, and reliance on God’s grace, you can guide your child towards a life of joyful obedience to both earthly authorities and, ultimately, to God Himself.
Chew On This: What makes it difficult to discipline your child? How can you overcome this difficulty?
